Tag Archives: counseling

Don’t Make It About You

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Job

They made it about them. Job’s friends didn’t listen to him. Not really. They all ended up telling Job how he had hurt their feelings. They were quick to talk in generalities, but none of them even acknowledged Job’s honest distress, or tried to understand what he was feeling.

Job was hurting. Job was lost and sick and confused. But his friends never once considered where Job was coming from. Instead, they all had something to say about “them,” those wicked people out there, the greedy, the rich, the guilty. Their speeches were impressive.

And meaningless.

The issue was Job’s horrible tragedy. But they made it about them. I’m reading from the New Living Translation this year and I had to laugh at how they put Job’s plea:

Listen to what I am saying. That’s one consolation you can give me. Bear with me, and let me speak. After I have spoken, you may resume mocking me. (21:2-3)

You go, Job!

Do you know someone who is hurting? One of the best things you can do for your friend is listen. Not talk. Listen past his (or her) words and into his heart. Put aside the cliche’s (God knows best, you are strong, you can do this, pray about it, God’s in control, etc., etc., etc.) and just listen. Take in what he is saying and try to understand without thinking about solutions, or even thinking about your own experiences.

Your friend may be asking questions – but he probably isn’t ready to hear the answers you think you have. He wants you to hear him. Give him that respect.

And remember, your friend is hurting. It’s not about you. Don’t make it be.

Hey! Don’t Take My Coat!

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I had a slow drain in the tub of a mobile home I lived in for a while.  No matter what I tried, it would clog up regularly. So I started a new routine. Every Saturday morning I’d pour baking soda into that drain, then dump a cup of vinegar on it and watch it go to work. It fizzed, and popped, and bubbled while the chemicals reacted to one another. Then, I would pour some boiling water into the drain and listen for it to flow freely.

Solomon tells us, in Proverbs 25:20 that singing a happy song to someone who is sad is like pouring vinegar over baking soda. The reaction is anything but soothing. Telling someone to “cheer up” or to “get over it” doesn’t help a person who is mourning or depressed. In fact, it can cause more grief. It would be like doing your happy dance at a funeral.

Sometimes people need to be sad. And if I am overtly expressing my happiness without considering their feelings, I’m just being mean. Solomon says it’s like taking the coat away from someone standing in the middle of a snowstorm.

As a middle school counselor I learned that sometimes I needed to allow the person sitting in front of me to feel the feelings. Sadness. Anger. Confusion. I had to admit that I didn’t have all the answers, that any tidbit of advice I might throw out there could make matters worse. I learned to ask, even of eleven-year-olds, what it is they thought they needed. Did they want to talk about it? Or did they just want to sit next to me and cry? There would, undoubtedly, come a time when I would direct that person to finding solutions. But sometimes that didn’t happen for quite some time. They needed to feel the feelings first.

Life is hard. Everyone goes through difficult times. Grief is personal. Depression can be a disease. You wouldn’t tell someone to just “get over” cancer, would you?

God is telling me today to choose my words, my attitude toward the people in my life who are facing hardships. Sometimes well intended words are just mean, like exposing someone to freezing weather, or pouring vinegar over baking soda. I want to be sensitive to what it is they are going through at the moment, set myself aside, and allow them to grieve, or rant, or question.

Lord, forgive me when I’m so taken with good things in my life that I walk over someone who is hurting. I don’t do it intentionally. I don’t want to make anyone feel worse than they already feel. Help me to notice the hurt in someone’s eyes or in the sound of their voice. Give me the words to say that will soothe and encourage. Or help me to keep my mouth shut and just be present. More than anything, Lord, I pray that they will be drawn to you as a result of my caring about their feelings.

Jesus’ Counsel For A Healthy Life

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Our society has gotten so far away from what Jesus said when he was here on earth. Where in Scripture does it say, “You’ve got to take care of yourself,” or “If you want to be healthy you have to come first”? These are lies straight from Satan’s lips. That’s the lie that got him thrown out of heaven.

Mental illness is a rampant plague, and I believe one reason is that even some Christians, have fallen for the infectious disease of “self”. People try so hard to feel good about themselves, to pull themselves up, to convince themselves they are worthy, when Scripture tells us we need to let go of “self”, admit we are filthy, helpless, needy people. Dear ones, admitting that is so freeing! The reality is we can’t be good in and of ourselves. And trying to be is making people crazy.

Jesus tells us not to exalt ourselves, not to think more highly of ourselves than we should, to come to him like a child, give up everything to follow him.

The Pharisee loudly prayed, “Boy, God. I’m glad I’m not like that guy over there. I tithe, I pray, I go to church, I don’t cheat on my wife, and people think I’m pretty awesome.”

Jesus said, “One day you’ll wish you were like that guy over there. He recognizes his sin. He’s bowed before me and repented. He’s wearing my righteousness, and what you are wearing is nothing but filthy rags.”

Don’t try to find those quotes in the Bible. Those words are mine. But if you read Luke 18, you’ll see what I’m talking about.

Here’s the truth. I am a sinner, and so are you. I am incapable of being anything other than a sinner, and so are you. I fail. I make mistakes. And when I measure myself up against a holy God, I can’t come close.

But Jesus tells me I don’t have to. He wants to be that for me. And all I need to do is admit my helpless position, recognize my sin, and ask him to forgive me. He’s already got that robe of righteousness waiting for me because he bought it with his blood. I don’t have to try to be good. He puts his own goodness on me. I don’t have to convince myself I am worthy, he makes me worthy because he is worthy.

I pray Christians will recognize Satan’s lies in counseling sessions, on TV, in the books they read, the sermons they hear, and the conversations they have with friends. I would challenge you to do a study on the word, “humble” in the Bible. Use a concordance and look up the verses that speak about humility, about humbling ourselves, and find out what God promises when we do.

“… and HE will lift you up.” (I Peter 5:6)